Have to keep telling myself, nothing lasts forever.
You do not stay in a place forever. People come and go. People you know will leave eventually. The job you have is not forever. That favourite eatery place might not be around tomorrow.
Stop being sentimental. Stop trying to hold onto the fast moving threads of time. Impossible. You will only get hurt.
Nothing lasts forever.
I scrolled through the list of names that were from the same secondary school batch as me. Some of the names are familiar, some no. Going through their current career, ‘Head of so and so’, ‘GM of so and so’, ‘Director of so and so in Ministry of so and so’, each and every single one of them holding top and senior management positions in both the public and private sector.
And then, inevitably, I look at myself and asked, ‘What happened?’ At which point in my life did I got sidetracked? What did I do that put me like 10 years behind my peers?
I looked back, and sigh with regret.
It was one of those nights where he and her were having their usual drinks in their usual haunt. The usual conversational topics, the usual laughter, it was one of those familiar nights that they both shared since last year.
She asked him if he will ever drink with his bosses. He paused for a while and replied that drinking to him is a very personal thing. He only drinks with people on the same frequency as him, and that he is comfortable with. People who he can relate to, and whom he can open his soul to. And there is not a lot of people on this planet that fits the requirements. It is like those Chinese wuxia novels where people drip blood to be brothers and then celebrates it by drinking alcohol from bowls.
And when he is finally alone, he wonders the exact point in his life when drinking became a very personal thing to him.
The words had stopped. The spark of creativity is long extinguished. I find it harder and harder to write.
The last book I read was months ago, and it was a biography. Everything seems to just dried up. All I think about is work, the only words I type are for work, and the only items that I strike off my to-do lists are all work related. Why is my life revolving around work?
I need to find fuel for my soul, I need to read, I need to write, I need to ignite the spark of creativity, and find back my passion. Passion for life. A reason to live. Something to make feel me alive.
Somewhere along the way, the words stop. And he knows the exact point.
Because in the same exact point, a big part within him died.
After leading a guild in World of Warcraft for quite some time, I realised there is a lot in common between leading a guild and managing in work place. As I am getting more and more management responsibilities, I find that it is helpful sometimes to apply what I have learnt from leading a guild. I decided to put down it in words, and perhaps it might be interesting to revisit these in the future and see whether the lessons learnt are still valid.
Lesson #1 – Motivation
Motivation in WoW comes in many form. This is especially evident when in a raid. Different people raid for different reasons. Some raid because they find it fun, some raid for the loot, some raid for the comradeship, and some raid because they like the idea of working in a team to defeat the bosses. Knowing why each and every single guild member’s reasons to raid will give a guild leader a pretty good idea to motivate the guild member to turn up for the raid.
Getting guild members to turn up for raid is make even more difficult by the mere fact that the guild leader has no control over the members’ actions. The guild leader is not their boss who is the one doing their performance evaluation at the end of the year or paying them a monthly salary. As such, playing hard will not be a good idea to ‘force’ the guild members to come for raid. Motivation is the key. And knowing why the guild member raid will give the guild leader a pretty good idea on how to motivate this guild member.
In work place, it is slightly easier given the fact that the manager usually has some kind of authority over his subordinates. However, being too hard on the subordinates will sometimes create resentment, and subordinates may just do the bare minimum if they feel that they are being mistreated. I find that motivation works much better than actually imposing one’s authority on the subordinates.
It may be just a meal, or it may be just be a praise, knowing what drives one to work harder, better, and longer, usually gives me a pretty good idea on how to motivate someone. I also discover that for the same person, different motivation is required at different times. It could be just the promise of a free lunch this time, but the next time, it could be a challenge issued for him to get the system to work better.
Motivation works on myself too. Understanding what drives me allows me to motivate myself in various situations.
Thus conclude this lesson. I will write the next lesson when I feel like it.
I just went through a week that I labelled it as ‘Hell Week’ for me. Last week I was told that I will be the person to be presenting a full day demonstration to the client when I thought I was just going to sit in and listen. And on top of that, it was for a product that I have minimal knowledge of.
The team that was responsible for setting up the demonstration, and to their credit, did one hell of a job. After going through with them on the whole setup in half a day, I could see that they were well prepared, which does not necessary settled the butterflies in my stomach. The next day was a full day dry run in front of my big boss, who was very helpful in giving the team constructive pointers. So one and a half day of preparation. Definitely not going to be sufficient for me.
On the actual day of the demonstration, I woke up feeling nauseous and tired. I had not sleep well for a few nights, and the feeling of wanting to vomit was not helping. I kept telling myself, ‘Don’t choke. Don’t choke.’, but I was still feeling thoroughly sick and really nervous.
Throughout the whole demonstration itself, I was lucky to have the whole team of colleagues and my bosses helping me. It went pretty smoothly. I set down in a daze, let out a huge sigh of relief at the end. I was pretty satisfied with myself, and how the whole session went. The few feedbacks we managed to gather at the end seems to confirm that.
The most important thing for me is that I did not choke.
**choking refers to a decrease in performance due to perceived stress. First came across this term when raiding in World of Warcraft.
A quick glance at my Twitter and something caught my eye yesterday.
‘David Edding has passed away.’
It was a name that I was familiar with, yet a name that I have not come across in years. It brought back the memories when I was still schooling, and when I actually read books.
I remember the first fantasy book that I came across was back in Secondary 2. A classmate recommended me the book Magician by Raymond E. Feist. Before then, I knew nothing about fantasy books, but within a few pages, I was hooked. The idea of a small boy who went on to become the most powerful magician in two worlds somehow appealed to me. Perhaps deep inside the boy I was then, I was hoping to be like Pug, that small boy, hoping that when I grow up, I will be somebody.
David Eddings, Tolkien (way before the movies came out), Tracy Hickman, Margaret Weis, and other fantasy authors, I read their books again and again. The stuff of my day dreams then were made of powerful wizard battling against the immense might of the dragons, to save the beautiful elven lady captured, or a beggar boy growing up to be a knight in shinning armour, riding a white unicorn and leading an army to overthrow the evil King, and other fantasy inspired dreams. Looking back, I think reading fantasy books help to develop the creativity side of me.
However when I started work, the time spent reading books gets lesser and lesser, and then one day it just stopped. The only non-work related stuff I read are what is on Facebook, Twitter and Google News. It is sad really.
After thinking about it, I told myself that no matter how busy I am, I should start reading books again. One of my friends told me before that while food is the source of nourishment for the body, books are the source of nourishment for the brain.
So thanks David Eddings for everything. Not only you were partly responsible for how I am today, but also you were part of the wonderful memories I have now when I was much younger. I hope you are now beside Aldur, enjoying a tankard of ale and giving yourself a pat on the back for all the wonderful books you have written.
Busy.
One word that I use to describe what is happening to me for the past few weeks.
With additional responsibilities thrown onto my shoulders, I find myself working. And working. Days pass by like whirlwind, time does not mean anything to me. I only know the work that needs to be done, and planned. I only know when it is time to wake up, when it is time to eat, when it is time to go home, and when it is time to sleep.
I feel numb.
Perhaps when I start to slow down, I might question myself if this is all worth it. I suspect though, that the only one word answer I will get is, ‘Meaningless’.
In the meantime, I work. I am busy.
Sometimes when you are down, sick of the world, tired of all the masks that people wear, the evil things people are capable of doing, something like this comes along.
Absolutely beautiful. Absolutely stunning. Behind that age, that look, lies a beautiful voice. She reminds us that no matter how ugly the world is, there is always someone with something beautiful hidden, just like her voice.
Thanks for the reminder, Susan Boyle. It is people like Paul Potts and you that helps to restore a little faith in me.