• Ramblings

    Careless With Feelings

    June 28, 2010

    He stares into the night sky. And thought of what was mentioned to him today.

    She is careless with her feelings.

    He sighs. She sure did. She took his feelings, embraced it fully, partake in it, enjoyed the sweetness of it all, and when finally confronted with the question, she rejected it totally. ‘I can’t help it’, she whispered.

    And then steps on him, and act as if his feelings for her never existed.

    She continues with her life, oblivious of his presence. Like a hunter who had just finished with her prey, she moves on, hunting for the next one.

    He stands in the distance, watching as she sniffs and sizes up her each of her new prey. He stands, suffering in silence.

    For while she was careless in her feelings, he was not.

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  • Ramblings

    Writing About It

    April 11, 2010

    A lot has happened recently. It was a calm and peaceful pond, and now it has been flooded, turning the pond to a vast lake, with choppy and murky waters.

    I want to write about it, perhaps it might calm me down a little, and that a few years down the road, I can look back at this period. It always amused me when I read my older entries. But after thinking about how to put it down into words for the past few days, I gave up. I do not know where to start, neither do I know how to structure my thoughts and feelings properly. Therefore I decided to just put down whatever is in mind now in a list form. Anyone else reading this list will most probably has no clue to what I mean. But I do.

    • I am not worthy.
    • No such feeling for a long time. It saddens me this time.
    • The walls have to be brought down because the time will arrive soon.
    • To go, or to stay? Most probably it is a go, but first need to know destination.
    • Sadness, lots of it.
    • Life sucks.
    • Intend to do nothing, and it will go away. I am not worthy.
    • Time will heal the pain.
    • Fear of being alone. Greater fear of being rejected, being an outcast.
    • Why me?

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  • Ramblings

    That Feeling

    March 13, 2009

    A question was asked. I knew the answer in my heart. Before I knew it, I broke into a smile.

    And as quickly as it came, the smile was gone. I know that feeling. It is a pleasant feeling that forces me into a smile, a warm feeling that flows through the body. A nice feeling.

    I deny it of course. I have reasons to deny it. Lots of it.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    It was a familiar scene. Working from morning to night for close to 15 hours, performing planned project activities. It was made easier when my co-workers are cheerful, and knew what they are doing.

    However, something was missing. The feeling of being motivated. The drive to succeed and perform well. I accomplished my tasks methodically. Without emotions. And at the end of it, there was no sense of accomplishment. Nothing.

    It seems like I have lost the drive. I do not know if it is temporary, or it is gone forever. But if the feeling persists when the economy starts to recover, I will have to seriously consider what I want to do.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    I was informed I will be going to Bangkok next week. It will be a demonstration that I am going to show to the top management of the bank. The feeling of screwing it up big time comes back to me again. I get that nagging feeling each time. It gets so bad I was having nightmares of it last night.

    Why? I have done this before a few times. It should get easier. But each time I get that feeling that something is going to happen. Something bad. Why?

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Too much feelings nowadays.

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