It was harder this time round, maybe because I am happier here. Maybe because my boss is better than the last time. Maybe because I am most probably moving out of my comfort zone, and into the frying pan burning in the hot fire.
Did I just sell my soul away?
I managed to meet up with my ex-bosses and ex-colleagues in KL recently when I was there for work.
We were discussing about changing jobs, and my ex-boss said that when you find a good reason to leave your job, it is the right time to go. If there are no push factors, then look for pull factors. Also, the 20-30% salary increment is to ‘compensate’ for the risk undertaken to join a new environment.
I agree with him. After listing down my push factors to leave, he replied that these are no longer push factors, they are actually shove factors.
I came back to Singapore, more determined than ever to leave.
“I want a job that makes an impact to other people so that I can leave a legacy behind.”
I raised my eyebrows, this was spoken by a colleague who was known to be somewhat of a slacker. He is brilliant, but is widely regarded as someone who was not very ambitious, and thus only works the bare minimum.
“If I cannot get a job that makes me very rich, at least I want a job that I can create an impact. Like creating a computer application that everyone uses, or create the special effects for a movie like Avatar.” He continued.
I nod my head. I want a job that I am happy doing, and if I am unhappy doing it, I want a job that really pays me well. I had never thought of wanting a job that can create an impact, and leaving a legacy behind.
“Sometimes wanting and reality is very different. How many people can get a job they really want?” I replied. He sighs and nods his head in agreement.
And I sigh too.
If there are two words to describe the past three months, it will be ‘Sheer Madness’.
It is sheer madness to work 12 to 15 hours a day. Not to mention I work at home too. The work just keep piling up.
It is sheer madness to face new problems, new obstacles every single day. Before I could find a solution to the previous day problems, I am looking at new problems for the day. Every single day. Every morning when I wake up, the first question that goes into my mind will be, ‘What new problems today?’. Every night before I sleep, I sigh at the unresolved problems for the day, and worry about what new problems next day will bring. Every single day, for the past three months.
It is sheer madness that no matter how hard I try, how flexible I am, how creative I think, how many problems I resolve, the client is never happy. And instead of assisting us so that the project can move forward and rollout in time, they throw everything at us, putting roadblocks everywhere, and just stop us from trying to do our job.
It is sheer madness how much inner strength I had left after all these. I do not think that I still have such a large reserve pool of strength. Too many times when I am on the verge of throwing in the towel yet somehow I still press on. But the question is when will this reserve pool runs dry too?
Sheer madness. When will all these end? When will I finally give up?
Totally feel like giving up. Quit. Enough of all these.
So it will start this week.
In the last couple of weeks, one of the things I realised is that everything needs to be managed.
From managing my own management, to the client, to the people who is going to work for me, to the various departments within my company, everyone needs to be managed, and the way to managing each one differs.
It is difficult, especially this is the first time I am working with most of the people that I need to manage. I have to learn how to communicate with them, the words that can and cannot be used, the tone etc. And after going through a couple of weeks, I can say it does not get easier.
No matter how much I disapproved some of the people’s behaviour, or usage of words, or the attitude, I have to bite my tongue and think what is the best way to communicate to them. Like I told myself many times, trying to talk to stupid people and trying not to hurt their feelings by pointing out how stupid they are, is an art. I have to put my own personal feelings aside, especially when people keep trying to put me down, using hurtful words in an abusive tone. I have to control and manage my own emotions even though I know people thinks I am easy to bully. I have to keep telling myself that no matter how right I am, it does not count a single bit once I lose my temper. I have to keep reminding myself that I am above and beyond all these petty and narrow minded people, and if I was to step down to their level, then I am no better than them.
I have to manage these people. And most of all, I have to manage myself.
I spent the last week working till 9-10pm at night, often the only one left in the office. There are thousand and one things to do, and sometimes I do not know where to start.
I have to learn things fast, and sometimes on the spot. I have to learn how to calculate the pricing, the necessary paper work for resources request. I have to go through the contents of the contract, other related documents and so forth. Since this is the beginning, I know very well that a lot of people’s eyes are on me, and starting well will give them the confidence that I can cope well, and able to manage all these. As such, I double, triple take on everything I do, to ensure I do not make silly mistakes. Sure, it is a learning process for me, but that does not mean I can make that many mistakes.
At night, it is impossible to sleep well, the physical body is tired, but mentally, my brain has yet to slow down from all the mental activities it had undertaken for the day. This is something I must work on, to be able to relax before I sleep, as I will need to be alert and well rested for the next day. I kept telling myself that I need to stay focus and motivated, as I will need the stamina to last for the whole duration.
I also figured that by blogging about my experiences on this, regardless of good or bad experiences, will keep me motivated and prevent myself from making the same mistakes again.
The pressure is building, and this is only the beginning.
So the second gate is finally opened last Friday.
The feeling was more of a relief than happy. Partly because it took longer than expected, the few months delay were really painful, and partly because I know the actual work starts now. I remember reading somewhere about asking soldiers which part of the war they hated most, and most of them said it is the waiting before the combat starts that they hated.
The tedious and painful learning process starts now. Mistakes will be made along the way, bad decisions will be made, I just hope that I learn something from all this, and the cost that I have to pay for the lessons learn will not be too much to pay for.
So I just need to take in a deep breath, grit my teeth and say, ‘Bring it on!’
The first burning gate was finally opened. It took a lot of effort, and after a few weeks of trying, it was finally opened. He stepped through the first gate, the bluish flame still burning fiercely around the gate and approaches the second gate. The second gate burns with a yellowish flame and he can feel the intense heat radiating from the second gate. He is quite confident though that it will be a matter of days, before the second gate is opened too.
And then he will walk into the realm of oblivion. A realm filled with trecherous traps, mountains with rocks so sharp they can slice through the thickest mithril boots, oceans so wide that it will take the strongest ships manned by a whole army of slaves to row through. A realm filled with hordes of hell fire spouting demons, fire blasting imps, succubus, banshees and other beings that exist only in the worst nightmates. A realm with both intense heat and freezing snow. A realm that few mortals will dare to venture in, let alone survive.
But this is his destiny. It is his destiny to survive in the realm of oblivion, and ensuring the small party that he will be leading survive too. He will have to rely all the armour, weapons, spells and crafts to fend off against whatever the realm of oblivion throws at him. He also have to encourage, motivate and care for the people in his party to ensure that they too will be able to protect themselves.
And hopefully, after surviving in the realm of oblivion for more than two years, he will finally find the legendary epic Elixir of Life. It is rumoured to exist at the other end of the realm, and he hopes that it really do exist, and when he finally finds it, it will be worth it.
But for now, there is the question of opening the second burning gate.
It has begun, well, sort of.
It is pretty close to confirmation. Questions fly to and fro, time spent pouring through every reply, every document sent. Every decision made is with the blessing of the management so there will be no screwups during this critical period.
In the midst of these hectic activities, planning has to be done. Resources have to be allocated, human resource has to be notified to initiate the hiring process. Roles have to be assigned, and approval seek from management. One thousand and more tasks that need to be planned. And this is only the beginning.
Realised that one must wear multiple hats, business, operational, technical, infrastructure, security and so forth. And the most important hat of all, diplomat.
Much things can be accomplished with diplomacy. Knowing how to play the game, what to say at the right time, is half the battle won.
The next two to three years will be a good measurement of the pain threshold. How much abuse, how much pain, how much suffering before the question is asked,
Is it worth it?