Try not to become a man of success
but rather to become a man of value
For those suffering from depression:
“Pain comes in all forms: the small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains we live with every day. Then there’s the kind of pain we can’t ignore: a level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of the world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it… And for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.”
— Grey’s Anatomy
The truth is I still care. I am not the kind of person to let people walk out of my life and I pretend that they do not exist any more.
The places we went to, the food we ate, the things we talked about, all these form part of my memories, and it is impossible to just let go of them.
Not talking about it does not mean I have forgotten. I still care, even though I do not show it.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
—
Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey
“Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.”
I fell, bruised, picked myself up. A couple of times. And each time I am afraid to fall again. Because it gets harder to pick myself up.
So can I please stop falling?
For once, please?
I have been teasing her that she is always running away when someone is available and shows even the slightest hint of interest.
And when she started teasing me the same thing recently, I came up with all kinds of reasons, though deep down I knew these reasons were not true. I search within to find the answer why I wanted to give up, and I cannot find any.
Perhaps I am tired, perhaps I am unwilling to wait, or perhaps I just want to know the results immediately.
However, it is this thought that scares me most, perhaps I do not believe in it any more.
“When was the last time you did something for the first time?”
“I am holding back, because I am afraid. I am afraid that if I keep pushing forward, I will cross this imaginary line. A line that once crossed, will bring great pain and hurt if things do not work out.
I still remember the last time it happened, the excruciating pain, the emptiness, the hurt, the tears.
I believe I am still afraid.”
I managed to meet up with my ex-bosses and ex-colleagues in KL recently when I was there for work.
We were discussing about changing jobs, and my ex-boss said that when you find a good reason to leave your job, it is the right time to go. If there are no push factors, then look for pull factors. Also, the 20-30% salary increment is to ‘compensate’ for the risk undertaken to join a new environment.
I agree with him. After listing down my push factors to leave, he replied that these are no longer push factors, they are actually shove factors.
I came back to Singapore, more determined than ever to leave.